From the Core of my heart

God You throw me out like that! How can You do so? Why people got to enjoy You and be in your presence but I am left out alone? I am never satisfied with this!

Long ago I were once Your loving child, but further on You left me alone, in a situation that I am not able to felt Your presence anymore. People might say that this is a challenge from You, but only You know how suffer am I. Lord I knew that You loved me more than others, You made me faced the situation just like my dad. He said that You arranged so because You loved him more than others, but I could not understand. Why did You placed us, arranged us to be isolated? Facing everything alone?

I admit that lately I had been experiencing You much, many time since I were here, my feelings hurt without any reasons. I do not know whether is it You that are touching my heart, but many times I had been feeling envy to the saints that are able to be blended together. Especially my closest Brother, Lord You made me brought him to you, but You cared so much for him and left me by myself. Is it really like previously a brother had said, that when we starts to grow in Spirit, when we can stand by our own feet, then you will leave us as we require less nourishment? Is it that You spoon feed us, and then would want us to search You by ourselves?

The feeling of the first touch was always so enjoying and warmth. I still remembered when I were 12 years, at that time you called me, and I answered your call. That time was my best experience to be blended into Your One Body, when I just touched You and I were attracted so much. So passionate, so fulfilling. However when time passed by, You began testing me and I failed many. I was not able to attend the training when I was form 3, I quarreled with my parents. Remembered You said in the Ten Commandments that to Honor Your Parents, thus I had followed and the next thing I realized, I would never had the chance to go for training anymore. Every time when i saw young saints are able to speak Your words so full of spirits, i envy them. I envy the chance You had given them, envy the plan that You had made them into Your army. I were always half-bucket, not able to speak Your word well, and thus resulted me from dropping out from church life due to fear of prophesying.

Lord everytime when i seek You, You made me fall hardly. Remember 1 year ago when I placed my heart to pursue You in Kampar, I were so committed in that. But You made me fall and failed 2 subjects, and Johnson almost got terminated and not able to study anymore. So Lord You think that I am still able to spend so much time on this? You gave me 3 pointers when I concentrate on my studies, so I dont know which I should follow. Do You want me to just concentrate on studies and let my golden years to pass? How if You are coming back one day but I am not prepared? Would You brought me along with you? Or You would said that I am not ready and will need to undergo the long training?

O Lord Jesus, I am weak as I am just a human. So weak that so easily got contempted by everything. Where will I be without You? It will be meaningless without Your presence. Nothing in the World could satisfy me, but You. Only in You, i delight. Lord, i had been away from You for so long, please pull me back. I do not want to wander in the bewilderness anymore. Everytime i were afraid, i knew that You are with me. "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I do not fear evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."

Lord, I desired to stay and be with the brothers and sisters in Christ. So great to start my day with a O Lord Jesus! Everything will be defeated when You are with me, everything!

Lord, I am lost. If You said that You will abandon Your herd of 99 sheep to find Your 1 missing sheep, then I would be the lost one. Staying in a corner so lost, waiting for my Shepherd to found me, waiting to be brought back.

Lord, i am fear of what lies ahead. Of trainings, meetings, full time and Your economy. There's things holding me that I am not be able to pursue You. Many things, which You know. Lord please enlighthen me, please give me directions.

I am sorry Lord, please forgive me. I will always Love You with my heart in Your blessings.

PSALMS

CHAPTER 23

1 Jehovah is my Shepherd; I will lack nothing.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside waters of rest.

3 He restores my soul; He guides me on the paths of righteousness For His name's sake.

4 Even though I walk Through the valley of the shadow of death, I do not fear evil, For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, They comfort me.

5 You spread a table before me In the presence of my adversaries; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.

6 Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me All the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of Jehovah For the length of my days.

Sleepless Nights~~

It is again another painful experience of mine. I had been worried so much, that you did not even gave me a call or an SMS to inform me about your travel so some place.

Well, if this is according to God's plan, then I would like to say that God had let me experienced and knowing the amount of care and love given and how much you meant to me. I was not able to do my things well and having in mind, all thought that might possible occurred . Images that showing things that you might be doing on that particular time floats around my head all the time. It is one of the most unpleasant and painful experience to have someone that you cared so much, to gone missing in a sudden!

I do not know how should I describe, alright let's put it this way: I almost told the whole world, contacting everyone that I know, and connecting to everything, squeezed out every thought just to figure out where are you. Hoping to get the tiniest strand of hope to find you, at least knowing that you are safe...

When I touched my heart in front of the Lord, the Lord knows my heart. All that contained in my heart, He knows.

Oh Lord, how much I had changed. Please don't let me be far apart from you. Lord you blessed us to have us be in part of your plan, please lead your stray sheep back into the flock.
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I do not fear evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, They comfort me -Psalms 23:4"!
Lead me back to the Church Life, for I desire Your presence in me. I do not know how, but You do. Something in the church i m not delighted, but Lord please place your blessings to all the churches. Enlighten us, open our eyes that we may see the truth. Lord, we give all things to You!

Oh Lord, I envy the brothers and sisters that are able to attend training to enjoy You, Why can't I? I desired to be your soldier to be equipped and preaching your Gospel, but I do not have the truth within me. Why I can't be like them? Why I always have to be having insufficient knowledge? O LORD JESUS! Brighten up my way, I desired You to hold my hands and lead me through. I gave up in everything. I trust in You and Your plans. Amen.

Sound Deep Inside~

It's been a year since my last visit. Many things changed. Relationships got better and many things came by. We are very close now and are brothers in Christ. God had brought us this far, give thanks to him.

Some interesting things that had happened lately was during the last semester, Y1S1 of my degree life - exam tragedy. Trust me, waking up late during the exam day is a very bad experience. Other nearer news are the semester finals result. Quite okay except 1 fail.. =.=! Nevermind, still appealing~ Glory to God.

The purpose of my blog here is about today, just happened about an hour ago. Sigh, history re-acted. My feelings overwhelmed my mind and bad things happened. Oh Lord, I am keep affected by violin... I wanted to put it down and only live for You. But I just can't. My feelings are complicated, and keep on changing 180 degrees. I wanted to let him play violin for the performance, but I felt bad as well. Not completely jealousy but somehow hoping that I have a chance to play as well. Even though like that, I should had not expressed my feeling to badly, I have a low EQ~ Give thanks to God that he is okay now, sleeping, still staying here. Thank you Lord for blessing me with such a caring person.

O Lord, I wanted to change my characteristic. I wanted to be like you, soft and faith. I was suffering from defeated and I never wanted to suffer from the defeat of the battle of the mind anymore. I need you as my refugee and my weapon and strength to overcome this barrier and defeat Satan. No more under his slavery. O Lord please defeat me, bring me with your possession, make me your slave and to only live for you. Amen~ May God bless our relationship and our spirit.

FrienDship Forever~

Friendship~ "How do you define friendship?" Best friends, close friends, normal friends, not so close friends, or even just friends... All are included in the term friendship. It is the level of Friendship that makes it valuable.

Things happen too fast lately.. From knowing---> Friends---> Close friends. It feels like we already knew each other for a very long time. But the worry is, for how long will it last? If for me, I will make it last forever.. But friendship involves two individuals. Both partners plays an extremely important role in the relationship. Yesterday night was a night both of us talked about this matter. *Sigh~* Friends need to be close, then after a while keep a distance?

Okay, I admit human need the feeling of freshness. Maybe my level of maturity haven't reach the level though. Hmm... Having a bit mixed feelings now~ I shall continue blogging when I thought it thoroughly... >__<

God, please remember our Friendship and bless our friendship tie. Please make it strong so that it will never break... Amen.

The Melanch0lic Canon

Its a sorrowful morning. The weather made me feel sad and disappointed at some point.. Yesterday's performance was unsatisfied. Although I didn't halt at anywhere and successfully played till the end, the tempo was horrible. >__
Today's feeling was mixed.. I waited 2 hours for you to online. You did! But ignored me.. I need to know where and when to practice.. You might need not practice but I do~ Sigh... What is happening between us?! Come and scold me.. Come talk to me.... I don't wanna lose a friend and a partner like you... I learnt a lot from you.. Not only violin, but many other things...

Oh God, bless my day today.. I repent for being too arrogant last time.. Ignoring You and being in myself.. Please be with me in my everyday task.. Let me do things by your will, not by myself... May thou dwelled in me and make me your dwelling place. Amen.

MeaningfuL daY with Feelings!

Hello! Back here again~ Today is a very interesting day.. Many things happened, good and bad >__<" How should I start...

Hmm.. Its 4.30am and we gather around to practice our Triplets for Prom night. Ya, Violin 1, Violin 2 and Cello. It was my 1st time feeling so enjoying and happy that I am able to play like an 'orchestra'. Okay, maybe a mini sized one. CANON IN D!!! My favorite~ We played to the dawn.. It wan fantastic.. People jogging around looking at us, feels so proud. ^__^

Later in campus, I met my Thermodynamics lecturer. It was astounding that he is such understanding and friendly.. I was very happy that my major worries since last week was gone.. But for 1 important thing, I realised that it is time I need to get back to academics.. Time had passes so fast! Maybe this thing happened as a warning sign from God that I need to concentrate in my academics.. It woke me up from the 'mist' of events and performances.. I promised myself that I will contribute in academics from now on.

Ok, now to violin class... Today was my 2nd lesson as a tutor. Too bad it was the final class for this semester. However, I am very glad that most of the students are able to play well. Especially the precision of the pressing of the strings. I am a tutor that emphasize a lot on precision. But Johnson, my partner is a tutor that emphasize much on presentation and speed. I think precision is more important compared to speed.. Anyway, both are important and are necessary. That's why I am quite sure that both of us will make a good class tutor.. Emphasizing on both precision and speed will makes the students excel in both aspects.. *I actually made them play one-by-one for the precision.. Person per person >__
Well, good news always come with bad news.. The bad news is... *Drum humming* ... I gotta play Canon in D solo with viola this Thursday.. Johnson will be busy.. Arrgh!! I am still not very familiar with this music.. Johnson used 6 years to master it, Joe used 3 months... What bout me? 1 week!!! O_O! I am still not sure whether or not to perform in the event.. >__< How if I play badly during the presentation? How if I did not play well? Will it affect the campaign? Will it affect the viola'ist? Will it affect how people look towards me? O Lord Jesus~ Guide me through...

Sigh~ dilemma dilemma dilemma... Still haven't decided... Come'on, 1 more day to go.. >__< ! That is how I am feeling now.. I need practice.. Good luck to me!

"Morning MisT"

Hey, Good morning~

Wah~ Feeling so tired today.. Good thing the rain stopped.. ^__^

Well, Thermodynamics exam today! Arrrghh! Hate it... Not yet finish revising lea. Thermodynamics needs lots of practice.. You can study and understand the lecture notes doesn't means that you can answer in the exam... *Headache* How am I going to score for this paper?

So many things pending to be done~ Tonite will have a meeting then have to prepare for Tuesday's violin lesson.. No experience in handling class yet, hope it would not gone chaos.. Hmm... I think I will do summarize for what they had learnt throughout the semester.. Since is the last class for this semester...

Oh no! Is 8.15am now.. Gonna go take bath and go campus.. Kinda feeling wierd bcoz mum and dad went overseas.. How are the two siblings going on over there in Jelebu? Can adapt themselves? >_< I need to make a phone call to them later.. Okay okay~ Gotta go now.. Will be back later.. Hope good daY! Jesus love you~ Bless!