Long ago I were once Your loving child, but further on You left me alone, in a situation that I am not able to felt Your presence anymore. People might say that this is a challenge from You, but only You know how suffer am I. Lord I knew that You loved me more than others, You made me faced the situation just like my dad. He said that You arranged so because You loved him more than others, but I could not understand. Why did You placed us, arranged us to be isolated? Facing everything alone?
I admit that lately I had been experiencing You much, many time since I were here, my feelings hurt without any reasons. I do not know whether is it You that are touching my heart, but many times I had been feeling envy to the saints that are able to be blended together. Especially my closest Brother, Lord You made me brought him to you, but You cared so much for him and left me by myself. Is it really like previously a brother had said, that when we starts to grow in Spirit, when we can stand by our own feet, then you will leave us as we require less nourishment? Is it that You spoon feed us, and then would want us to search You by ourselves?
The feeling of the first touch was always so enjoying and warmth. I still remembered when I were 12 years, at that time you called me, and I answered your call. That time was my best experience to be blended into Your One Body, when I just touched You and I were attracted so much. So passionate, so fulfilling. However when time passed by, You began testing me and I failed many. I was not able to attend the training when I was form 3, I quarreled with my parents. Remembered You said in the Ten Commandments that to Honor Your Parents, thus I had followed and the next thing I realized, I would never had the chance to go for training anymore. Every time when i saw young saints are able to speak Your words so full of spirits, i envy them. I envy the chance You had given them, envy the plan that You had made them into Your army. I were always half-bucket, not able to speak Your word well, and thus resulted me from dropping out from church life due to fear of prophesying.
Lord everytime when i seek You, You made me fall hardly. Remember 1 year ago when I placed my heart to pursue You in Kampar, I were so committed in that. But You made me fall and failed 2 subjects, and Johnson almost got terminated and not able to study anymore. So Lord You think that I am still able to spend so much time on this? You gave me 3 pointers when I concentrate on my studies, so I dont know which I should follow. Do You want me to just concentrate on studies and let my golden years to pass? How if You are coming back one day but I am not prepared? Would You brought me along with you? Or You would said that I am not ready and will need to undergo the long training?
O Lord Jesus, I am weak as I am just a human. So weak that so easily got contempted by everything. Where will I be without You? It will be meaningless without Your presence. Nothing in the World could satisfy me, but You. Only in You, i delight. Lord, i had been away from You for so long, please pull me back. I do not want to wander in the bewilderness anymore. Everytime i were afraid, i knew that You are with me. "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I do not fear evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."
Lord, I desired to stay and be with the brothers and sisters in Christ. So great to start my day with a O Lord Jesus! Everything will be defeated when You are with me, everything!
Lord, I am lost. If You said that You will abandon Your herd of 99 sheep to find Your 1 missing sheep, then I would be the lost one. Staying in a corner so lost, waiting for my Shepherd to found me, waiting to be brought back.
Lord, i am fear of what lies ahead. Of trainings, meetings, full time and Your economy. There's things holding me that I am not be able to pursue You. Many things, which You know. Lord please enlighthen me, please give me directions.
I am sorry Lord, please forgive me. I will always Love You with my heart in Your blessings.
PSALMS
CHAPTER 23
1 Jehovah is my Shepherd; I will lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside waters of rest.
3 He restores my soul; He guides me on the paths of righteousness For His name's sake.
4 Even though I walk Through the valley of the shadow of death, I do not fear evil, For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, They comfort me.
5 You spread a table before me In the presence of my adversaries; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.
6 Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me All the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of Jehovah For the length of my days.
